Santa's Magic Explained through Science and Science Fiction

I have very inquisitive kids.  They ask all sorts of questions, because some of the Santa legends just don't add up in their minds.  We used to rely on the holiday specials, but explanations from stop-motion reindeer and snowmen just don't cut it nowadays.  So I've done my research and I've found real-world ways to explain all of Santa's "Magic".  It's not that's he's a mystical being, he's a man of science.  He's used his resources and large coterie of elves to adapt scientific theories and examples from the world of science fiction to deliver toys to billions of children in one night.  Here are answers for some of the more popular questions posed by my kids.

Santa Questions explained through Science and the World of Geek

*How does he remember what every child in the world wants? – It’s called Eiditic Memory. like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory.  It’s the ability to see or hear something once and instantly remember it forever.  Santa gathers all the information from his helpers, elves, etc., and can recall the wishes of every child (and whether they’re naughty or nice) in an instant. 

Do you want to know how he thinks you’re doing?  He’ll take the time to film a special video for each child that requests it.  Tell your parents to go to www.PortableNorthPole.com and ask Santa to send you an update on how nice you’ve been.  It’s free, and he’ll do it in just a couple of minutes

*Does he really read every letter that's sent to him?  Yes!  Or at least one of his workers does.  Every letter is processed through Santa’s Mailroom, staffed by thousands of data entry specialists and database administrators.  Ever wonder why most of the IT staff at your office seem to go on vacation at the end of the year?  It’s not because they haven’t been able to take their vacation due to endless projects heaped on them by ineffective management.  No, they have a more important job to do! 

There’s a clause in their database certifications that requires them to donate a day, a week, sometimes two weeks around the holidays to give Santa a helping hand.  They’re brought to the North Pole to help build the immense toy list.  When letters are received in the North Pole’s central Post Office, they are individually scanned.  The contents are then read and entered by these IT professionals into the world’s largest database, installed across a server farm that would make Google jealous.   Each request is sorted by child, family, city, and region, creating a comprehensive master toy list that allows the toy fabrication department to be much more efficient.  Santa reviews the list once, then twice, just to look for data anomalies.  He then forwards the toy orders to the massive workshop where the toys are created/received and then stored for delivery. 

Oh, and this also explains why most IT professionals have some sort of toy or plaything at their desk.  It’s not just something to keep their minds occupied after stressful situations.  Each of them is a personal gift from Santa for a job well done during their furlough at the North Pole.  So remember, be nice to the IT techs in your office all year long.  They’re volunteering their time to make sure your kids get exactly what they want.

*How does he know whether you’ve been naughty or nice? – It used to be a lot harder.  Sure, he could use the old-fashioned magic and a network of stealth elves, traveling the world to collect intel.  But with the technological advantages available to him today, he’s created a worldwide data gathering network that puts the CIA to shame.  Sure, the Elf on the Shelfs are still a valuable source of information, but they’re not the only tool at Santa’s disposal.  His Internet Monitoring Project (IMP) allows him to monitor every blog, Facebook page, Twitter feed, and website to see what kind of little boy or girl you are. When Mom posts how you helped her clean the house without being asked, you score some nice points.  Bully someone over the web or post naughty pictures of yourself?  He’ll know your naughty and coal’s coming your way.  He didn’t build the network all by himself.  Thanks to a provision in the Patriot Act, he now has access to all the intelligence gathered by the governments of the world.  Which means the IMP can access any security camera or any cell phone in the world at any time to gather naughty/nice information.  So the next time you throw a fit in the toy aisle of Toys ‘R Us, look up at that security camera.  Santa’s watching…

*How is Santa at every mall, Christmas party, and school at the same time? It’s true that most of the Santas at the malls are Helpers, but his “special” transportation system (explained in the paragraph below) allows him to make many personal appearances in one day.  If he’s not there, then a certified and licensed Santa Helper is there collecting the information for him.  Now these Helpers aren’t collecting the information and personally telling Santa, they’re acting like microphones.  You see, Santa hears, sees and records every child's interaction with a Helper.  It’s all stored in a giant communication system located in his main office.  Think of the giant sonar tracking system in Dark Knight Returns where Batman could turn every cell phone in Gotham into a tracking device.  It’s essentially the same principle.  Santa reviews all of the recorded conversations daily at super high speed.  And with that special Super Sheldon Eiditic memory, he can remember every single request almost instantly.

*How does he visit every house in the world? It is true that hyper-powerered reindeer may have allowed him to make all his rounds in one night in the past. When there were 150 million stops a couple hundred years ago maybe, but with almost 2 billion people to visit, it’s impossible without a little “magic”.  And by magic, I mean science.  You see, Santa has mastered wormhole technology.  If you watched Star Trek: Deep Space 9 or if you listen to Neil Degrasse Tyson’s StarTalk Podcast, you understand that a wormhole is a portal between two points in space that are miles, or even light years apart.  These distant points become much closer if you just fold space, making the journey shorter.  Think of space as being like a large tortilla.  Imagine LA is on one edge of the tortilla and New York is on the other.  Traveling across the face of the tortilla may take a long time, but what if you could fold up that tortilla like a taco?  Then you can just generate a portal from one egde of the tortilla to the other and the trip is infinitely shorter.  Wormholes allows Santa to travel long distances in less than a second.  This makes the reindeer’s job easier too.  While they still pull the sleigh short distances, the elements laced into the reigns contain the catalyst that creates the wormhole.  Santa fires up the wormhole generator and the Rudolph is just along for the ride.

*If Santa flies through the air, couldn't he be hit by airplanes?  It’s been a risk of the job since the 1930’s.  Up until the mid-1990’s, Santa and the airlines had to rely on radar, radio chatter and visual conformations to avoid any unfortunate accidents.  In 1997, there was a close call.  A late flight out of Miami piloted by a man with a little too much egg nog in his system almost caused a mid-air collision.  Dasher lost the top point of his left antler that day. 

This incident spurred a high-level summit with Santa and the President.  A directive was created between the North Pole and NORAD to create a global tracking system just for Santa.  Santa installed the special GPS-like mechanism in the sleigh a few years back and now NORAD can track Santa wherever he may be in the world.

NORAD has made this information public so the airlines can re-route around him.  And you can track his movements on Christmas Eve.  Just go to www.NORADSanta.com to see where he is on his travels.

*How does he carry all the gifts for all of the children of the world at once?  He doesn’t need to, because what he needs is automatically loaded up just as he needs it.  There are two technologies in play to allow this magical just-in-time delivery to occur.

Now all of the presents created in a year are loaded into the massive storage warehouse according to the giant toy list mentioned earlier.  They’re ordered by child and in sequential order of Santa’s Delivery route.

On Christmas Eve, Santa activates a special trans-dimensional gateway between the back wall of his workshop to the inner wall of histoy sack.  It’s a version of his wormhole technology and looks a lot like the gateways generated by the portal gun in the video game conveniently named Portal. 

One gentleman in Washington stole the technology a few years back.  He decided to post a few pictures on his Facebook page, as you can see with this unique Christmas Tree display.  It was reclaimed quickly by a squadron of S.E.A.L. elves and this poor soul has received coal ever since…

Anyway, the portal allows for easy loading of the sack at any moment.  Computers in the warehouse can track Santa thanks to the NORAD GPS.  A series of conveyor belts and robotic arms immediately load the sack with the proper presents according to wherever Santa is in the world.  So once he’s inside, he can unload everything in a flash.

Now I know you’re asking, “But Travis, how does something like a 70” OLED Flat-Screen TV fit in a 9 cubic foot bag?”  That’s where the second technology comes in.  Santa’s been a watching Doctor Who since the Tom Baker days.  Why do you think he gives out so many scarves?  

Anyway, this Northern Lights Whovian loved the idea of the space differential within the Tardis.  “It’s bigger on the inside”.   So he set his elves to creating a satchel that can be easily hefted on the shoulder, but could hold six thousand square feet of gifts at any given time.  

So with the Portal linking the Tardis-like bag to the warehouse, no matter how many presents are being delivered to a household, he can carry it all with ease and unload in a second.  This helps keep him on schedule and avoids massive lower back pain.

*How does he get into my house if I don't have a fireplace?  OK, I know the traditional explanation you’ve heard is similar to what’s seen in the Santa Clause, where he could go down the piping and a fireplace magically appears.  But that’s just myth.  The methods displayed in Arthur Christmas explain how it really happens.  Santa will use any way possible to get into your house.  Sure, your house may be locked, but Santa has a number of ways he can get through a locked door.  

 1) He does employ elves, so if there is any access port large enough, they can get in and unlock the doors from the inside.  Be it a cold air return, a dog or cat door, or a loose window, it can be used for easy access.

2)  If that doesn’t work, he has a liquid metal key, similar to the metal that makes up the T-1000 in Terminator 2.  It changes to fit the lock perfectly and Santa's in the house in seconds.  And I can hear you saying, what if we have a chain lock or some other locking mechanism that doesn’t require a key? Well...

3) Santa has Jedi-like powers.  If Darth Vader can crush a trachea and Luke can pull a lightsaber across the room with a wave of the hand, Santa can flip a lock, move a chain or pull a door brace from the other side of the door.  Jedi powers also explain how he can lay out the presents so fast, easily move extremely heavy gifts and jump up and down a chimney with no effort whatsoever. 

*What snacks does Santa really like? -  It used to be that Santa was just a cookie man, but it’s a little known fact that Santa’s a HUGE fan of the Food Network.  When he some downtime, he’ll watch episodes of Iron Chef America and Good Eats.  Thanks to watching way too much Alton Brown, his palette has expanded and he wants to try every candy and snack in the world. 

He's a big fan of the sweets on Christmas night, only because he's literally covering millions of miles and burning millions of calories.   The customary Sugar Cookies are great, but he'll eat almost anything, like Gingerbread Men, Chocolate Covered Pretzel Sticks, Chocolate Bark, PopcornBalls, Truffles, or anything else you want to make.  (you knew I’d get a recipe link or two in here, didn’t you.)

I hope that these explanations have cleared up even the most persistent child's questions.  Remember, Santa is real, and he's smart enough to adapt to almost any situation using existing science or adapting ideas from science fiction.  If you still have questions, instead of asking your parents how it works, come up with your own theory. I've found that when my kids come up with an inventive way to explain the "magic" of Santa, they're *ALWAYS* right, no matter what.

Frosted Sugar Cookie Pie... or what my warped mind creates when left to its own devices

My brain works in extremely weird ways.  It wanders, it daydreams, it mashes things together that it shouldn't at times.  When I call out to one of the boys, I usually have to go through roll call before I call them by the right name.  I can remember specific times, dates, places and events down to the minute, but I can't remember where I put my car keys.  But sometimes, sometimes, the quirky nature of my brain works to my advantage.

So the other day, when I announced that the Peanut Butter Cookie Pie won the Gygi Not Your Mama's Pie Contest, my older brother asked me to bring one to Christmas dinner.  I can do that, no problem.  It's not the only request.  My little sister wants a Chocolate Cream Pie as well, so that'll make the party as well.

But I need to bring a third pie and I like to do something inventive and experimental for this event.  For a couple of days, nothing came to mind.  Then as I was driving north on Bangerter, my mind stared rolling around ideas and it came to me.  What if I could take a normal Christmas dessert and transform it into a pie... And what did it concoct?  A sugar cookie pie.  I know... Sounds really weird.  But hear me out.

We all like Toll House Cookie Pie.  It's delicious.  The Peanut Butter Cookie Pie is just a variation of that and it's awesome, especially with chocolate sauce or hot fudge drizzled.  So why not make a few tricks to make a new cookie pie?  Do things like swap out the brown sugar for more white sugar to lighten it up.  Add a little more flour to stiffen up the dough.  Pour in a little more vanilla for a boost in the flavor.  And we're going to frost it...

YES I SAID FROST IT!  I know, Insanity!  Blasphemy!  But you know what?  It works.  It makes the whole thing look like a 2 pound cookie slab that may choke Santa out.  You add some sprinkles to the top and it's just downright freaking festive!

And you do have options on the crust.  You can use a standard crust, no problem.  You could also add some chocolate by making an oreo cookie crust, like we have on our Peanut Butter Cookie Pie.  And if you just want more sugar cookie taste, you could just buy a tube of pre-made sugar cookie dough, roll it out flat and use it as the pie crust.

Finally, make sure you have good sprinkles.  Not just the colored sugar, we're talking something colorful and interesting, like the holly leaves or snowflakes.  If we're going to make this thing look authentic, it's got to have the extra flourishes.

Frosted Sugar Cookie Pie

Pie
2 large eggs
3/4 cup flour
1 cup sugar
1 stick of butter, brought to room temperature
1/2 cup butter flavored shortening
2 teaspoons vanilla
1 unbaked 9 inch pie crust


Preheat your oven to 325 degrees.

Beat the eggs in a large mixing bowl until they are foamy.  Add the white sugar and beat on high speed until it becomes creamy.  Add the flour gradually until it is incorporated.  Add the butter and beat it again until it's well blended.  Pour in the vanilla and mix for 15 more seconds.  Scoop the mixture into the pie crust and smooth it out.

Bake in the 325 degree oven for 55-60 minutes or until you insert a toothpick and it comes out without any cookie dough attached.  Let the pie cool completely, then make your frosting.

Frosting
1/2 stick butter
1 cup powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 tablespoon milk
food coloring

Place the butter into a mixer and beat until fluffy.  Add the powdered sugar and slowly mix it in.  Add the vanilla and the milk and mix until thoroughly combined.  Slowly drip the food coloring into the bowl and mix. Repeat until you have the color you want.  Use a spatula to scoop the out the frosting and spread evenly over the cooled pie.

Relive the Greatness of the Peppermint Candy Cane Ice Cream

I'm re-posting this recipe because it's one of my favorites.  It's just not the holidays without some Peppermint Ice Cream and this recipe is simple and better than anything you'll find in tubs in the grocer's freezer...   So enjoy!  New holiday love is coming your way on Monday.

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During the holidays, you're required to cook, bake and roast more than any other time of the year.  There's the large family meals, the gifts for neighbors, the cookies for the kids, the obligatory office snacks so you can appease that annoying person in the next cubicle, etc.  The kitchen can feel like it's reaching 100 degrees, so let's do one last holiday snack that's nice and cool.

Sure, this time of year, you can find tubs of Peppermint Ice Cream from almost every brand.  I've found that Dreyer's isn't too bad at all, but you can make it at home rather easily.  And I really like the extra creaminess of the homemade ice creams, since this recipe uses fresh whipping cream and whole milk.

It's a great thing to make with the kids as well.  Short of the cooking stage, they can do almost everything else.  Let them add the flavoring.  Let them crush the candy canes and add them to the ice cream at the end.  Let them work the ice cream machine as well and help them share the beater when the mixing is all done.

And above all else, make sure you add some hot fudge before serving it.  The heavy chocolate flavor mixed with the fresh and cool mint is a perfect combination.

Peppermint Candy Cane Ice Cream

1 cup whole milk
1 cup whipping cream
1 cup sugar
Red food coloring
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon peppermint extract
4 candy canes, crushed

Pour the milk, cream and sugar into a sauce pan and cook to a simmer.  Add enough red food coloring to turn it a candy cane shade of pink.  Remove from the heat, pour into a tupperware bowl and chill in the refrigerator until it's completely cooled.  Crank up the ice cream maker, pour in the cream mixture and add the extracts.

Let the ice cream churn for the recommended time in your ice cream maker's instructions (usually 20-35 minutes or until the mixture thickens.  While waiting, place the candy canes in a large ziploc bag.  Using a rolling pin, tenderizer, nutcracker, or your favorite blunt object, take your grinchiness out on the canes until they are broken into very small pieces.  When the ice cream is almost done, pour in the candy cane bits and let it mix for about one minute.  Pour the ice cream into a tupperware bowl and freeze for another 2 hours.

Serve with hot fudge poured over the top and any other Christmas garnish you want.

So make a batch of this and snack on it when the heat in the kitchen gets too high.

Peppermint Bark, Oreo Bark, Mixed Nut Bark, Bark Like a Dog, etc...

This time of year, snacks start showing up at the office.  And there are some REALLY overenthusiastic people.  Somebody is bound to bring some sort of sweet concoctions that has a title with at least 6 words in it, like Chocolate Caramel Marshmallow Reese's Macadamia Apricot Popcorn Balls.  WAY over the top...  but in a weird way that sounds kind of good....   Or maybe neighbors are delivering all sorts of candy plates to your door and you need something for reciprocation.  How about one of the simplest candies you can make, a chocolate bark.

A bark is a chocolate base with any other sort of ingredient mixed in to add an additional flavor or crunch.
The recipe is very simple and can even be made with your children without putting them in danger, unlike other molten sugar recipes.  You essentially bring the chocolate up to a temperature that will help it temper properly, then add half of the other ingredients directly into the chocolate and stir.  As it cools, you add more of the ingredients as garnish and allow it to cool completely.

And in the past, we've talked about tempering chocolate through a double-boiler.  Which works... but can take some time and increases the hazard of letting water getting in to the chocolate.  Even one drop of water in heated chocolate can cause it to seize up like concrete.  And the mixture of hot pans and three year olds rarely end without a few tears.  Instead you can heat your chocolate in the microwave to save time and unnecessary burns.  Just chop the chocolate up find, nuke it for 30 seconds and stir.  Then nike for another 30 and stir again.  Take it's temperature.  As soon as you hit 115 degrees, your done.  But if it's not there, nuke it in 10-15 second intervals, stir it, and check the temp again.

Once it's at the 115, mix in whatever you'd like and spread it out in a flat surface.  Let it cool, break it out and you've got a tasty candy that looks great on a plate.

The best part about these recipe is that you can add any sort of candy, nut or other crunchy ingredient.  Any type of chocolate can be used in the application.  Use your favorite, or pair up combinations that you believe would taste great.  And the process is FAST!  I made all three of the types listed above in less than an hour.

Here are a couple examples of what you can use.

White Chocolate Peppermint Bark

1 pound white chocolate
2/3 cup crushed candy canes or peppermint candies.

Chop the chocolate into small bits.  Heat the chocolate using one of two methods.  Using a double boiler, heat the chocolate until it melts and reaches 115 degrees.  Or... pour the chocolate into a bowl and microwave for 30 seconds.  Stir and microwave for 30 more seconds.  Stir and cook more, in 10-15 second intervals until it reaches 115 degrees.

Pour in 1/2 of the candies and stir just until incorporated.  Pour the chocolate out onto a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper.  Spread the remaining candies over the chocolate and allow it to cool completely.  Break the chocolate up into pieces and serve.

Milk Chocolate Oreo Bark

1 pound milk chocolate
2/3 cup crushed Oreo cookies, centers removed (about 12-15 cookies)

Chop the chocolate into small bits.  Heat the chocolate using one of two methods.  Using a double boiler, heat the chocolate until it melts and reaches 115 degrees.  Or... pour the chocolate bits into a bowl and microwave for 30 seconds.  Stir and microwave for 30 more seconds.  Stir and cook more, in 10-15 second intervals until it reaches 115 degrees.

Allow to cool for 5 minutes then pour in most of the cookies and stir just until incorporated.  Pour the chocolate out onto a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper.  Spread the remaining cookies over the chocolate and allow it to cool completely.  Break the chocolate up into pieces and serve.

Dark Chocolate Nut Bark

1 pound dark chocolate
2/3 cup chopped nuts of choice

Chop the chocolate into small bits.  Heat the chocolate using one of two methods.  Using a double boiler, heat the chocolate until it melts and reaches 115 degrees.  Or... pour the chocolate into a bowl and microwave for 30 seconds.  Stir and microwave for 30 more seconds.  Stir and cook more, in 10-15 second intervals until it reaches 115 degrees.

Allow to cool for 5 minutes then pour in 1/2 of the nuts and stir just until incorporated.  Pour the chocolate out onto a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper.  Spread the remaining nuts over the chocolate and allow it to cool completely.  Break the chocolate up into pieces and serve.


So make a bunch of these extremely easy chocolate candies and compete with the office chefs.